I am a tattoo in the hillside.

I woke up this morning heart beating out of my chest, anxiety whipping through my brain. 

Pre-wedding jitters. In a short time I was going to marry my long time neighbor, Nicole.

I woke up from this dream like a drowning swimmer breaking water. I opened my eyes just long enough to take a breath of reality and then the dream pulled me back under.

It started out in some plot line where my sister and I were gangsters of a kind…or doing something sketchy in our car. I believe it involved explosions, maybe guns. My dreams are often violent.* I don’t remember this dream sphere though I know it was quite involved and complicated. At some point, I got a call that said “Come back here, Terry’s freaking out. You need to get ready for the wedding!!” 

And then Smack! I was hit in the face with a wedding scene.

I was marrying my long time neighbor from back home – Nicole. Her mom is Terry. Terry’s nice, but when she gets worked up about something she’s like a pit bull that latches on for the kill. Don’t cross her on the road, as we innocent carpoolees learned a while back. Also, Nicole and her family are straight up Catholics. I can never imagine her coming out as gay.

This dream was in intense detail. My other long time neighbor – who’s climbed Everest, carried the Olympic torch, taught in Africa – catered the wedding with exotic foods. I tried a bunch. I tasted them.

I also read the guest list. Saw all the names. I was looking to make sure Daniel – long long time friend – was on the list. 

I was also having an intense case of pre wedding jitters. I was also quite aware that Nicole isn’t gay in real life. So as people are preparing for the wedding I’m questioning whether or not I really want to marry Nicole.

Then I start thinking about the ceremony and everything in front of all those people. Jitters.

I couldn’t remember how we got to be engaged and then I had the vague idea that she’d proposed to me over the phone. 

I also was asking myself who was the “man” in the relationship. I think it was Nicole.

The closer it got to the wedding the more I was freaking out. But I never got to see if I went through with it because my alarm went off.

 

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I don’t know why I had this dream. I did see Nicole and her mom – who was visiting from out of state – on Sunday. But I haven’t any reason to think about marraige. Especially to Nicole.

 

Elizabeth, a hallmate, insists that the dream was actually about how much I wanted to see if Daniel was on the guest list. That I have a deeply suppressed love for him in real life. 

I don’t know what to think about that.

 

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* Christopher got me back into America’s Army, the online army game. I played it nonstop over the break which apparently had an effect on my subconscious because one night I had the type of cramps that develop overnight and thus can not be preempted by massive amounts of Meds. Every time I had a cramp I got shot. 

 

It was disturbing.

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I jointed twitter. It’s quicksnap blogging which is better since I’ve moved to college and become infinitely more lazy when it comes to keeping up online.

 

http://twitter.com/yousillygoose